I’m bored. All of the commentary is poems this week.
Week 15 is over, and for your old-timey power rankings, Peter has you covered somewhere on this site, but over on this side we’re trying something a little different. This is the unholy alliance of technology and the ancient art of the scribe, and we’re using our best cyber technology and knowledge of Haiku, limerick, and existential contemplation to generate objective rankings that also happen to be beautiful. Power rankings are all about arguing about why they’re wrong, and it’s one thing to be subjectively wrong like Peter, and it’s quite another to be objectively wrong with style. And so, in the spirit of being objectively wrong (with style) we have created C.A.L.C.U.L.A.T.O.R., the Comprehensive Analysis of League Competition Using Latest Analytics To Organize Rankings.
What goes into Calculator? Basically, every advanced stat I have available, in addition to data based on net point differential, and the current Super Bowl odds from our friends at FanDuel. I run some formulas to smooth everything out, create a unified scale, and here we go! You can see the rankings week by week here.
This week, the Lions crash hard due to their loss, and massive injuries, while the Packers crack the 90 barrier. Let’s get to it!
1. Buffalo Bills: CALCULATOR Score: 135.56, Change from last week, 25.76 –
Bills Scored forty-eight
On the ghost of the Lions
First in EPA
2. Detroit Lions: 128.01, -41.91
Lions lost present
They also lost the future
A mighty tumble
3. Philadelphia Eagles: 126.26, 8.08
NFC Favorites
Moved with ease against Pittsburgh
And everyone else
4. Baltimore Ravens: 108.6, 8.26
Defense is lacking
Closer to Bills than you’d think
First DVOA
5. Kansas City Chiefs: 108.32, -6.68
A multi-score win
Because of Jameis’ three picks
It was just the Browns
6. Green Bay Packers: 90.39, 7.36
Thirty points again.
Sleeping giant awakens
Gaining a new edge
7. Minnesota Vikings: 89.90, 4.78
Jaylon v. Justin
Is more entertaining than
Vikings versus Bears
8. Pittsburgh Steelers: 72.81, -5.31
No picks, no Pickens
And no stopping DeVonta
AJ, or Jalen
9. Houston Texans: 72.03, 2.18
Houston and Denver
Identical EPA
On offense. Worse D.
10. Tampa Bay Bucs: 70.99, 4.16
Mike Evans Never
Had less than one thousand yards
Pace: nine fifty-four
11. Denver Broncos: 70.88, -.32
For Denver: three touchdowns, three picks
And that’s how it went for Bo Nix,
But Jonathan Taylor’s
Incredible failure
A turnover instead of six.
12. Washington Commanders: 68.20, .45
Jayden took eight sacks
Terry had two quick touchdowns
Rattler nearly bit.
13. Los Angeles Chargers: 67.96, -4.21
A team built on D
Cannot allow forty points
To the Buccaneers
14. Los Angeles Rams: 66.68, 1.76
When playing in inclement weather
The Rams offensive line worked together
The Niners had Kittle,
Kyren up the middle
And Puka Nacua were better.
15. Arizona Cardinals: 62.25, -.14
Yes, you beat the Pats
But Trey McBride still remains
Always a bridesmaid
16. San Francisco 49ers: 65.06, -.72
Purdy small, wet hands
And no Christian McCaffrey
Makes Kyle Go Crazy
17. Seattle Seahawks: 60.28, -5.64
I saw the worst quarterback of my generation destroyed by poor pocket presence and Edgerrin Cooper,
dragging themselves away from Brenton Cox, looking for a blanketed DK,
French running backs burning for a gaping hole that wasn’t there in the machinery of the o-line,
who confused and beaten and inaccurate stayed down in the supernatural darkness of five completed passes floating across the middle seeking the ground as the decrescendo of contemplating jazz,
who battered their brains like cheese curds under the Earl and saw Blood staggering on far away rings illuminated,
who passed fine while at university with radiant cool eyes hallucinating Rashan Gary trying to kill him.
– Howell, Allen Ginsburg
18. Cincinnati Bengals: 59.67, 1.23
The Bengals play defense like Beavis
Or the opposite of Darrelle Revis
They let Cooper Rush go off
Couldn’t stop Mason Rudolph
Had no trouble at all with Will Levis
19. Atlanta Falcons: 58.77, .75
A win is a loss
Against Vegas, if it’s close
The house wins, and Kirk busted.
20. Indianapolis Colts: 53.15, -1.58
Fast, gallant, off tackle right, in Winter,
Jonathan and his friends scamper West;
In mountains, no Lucas oil to be found,
The secret courtesy that scoring lore requires
Through the old form of the spike preferred,
Impossible to tell the passive-aggressive lay down
He laid down too soon. Too early. Too polite.
After the plant, the ball saw fit to score,
Without the guidance of the guide, seeking the twenty.
Threading a long night through two throwbacks
Of their collaborative laterals,
Scored in their own slow deception;
Like a Rube Goldberg machine, you can see the end if you look.
Pittman fancied his wind-up and the mechanics were beautiful
So beautiful, they seemed to attract rather than deceive;
Inside his brain, he felt bonita
All while missing Bonitto
In the realm of receiving, an overlooked skill
Imagine an interception. A Pick-Six
As a fumble, as it traveled as far as any pass
Sideways, like the Colts. Always the Colts, never forward.
21. New Orleans Saints: 53.01, .17
Saints as snake handlers
Still snake bitten, or perhaps
Simply cap karma, justice.
22. New York Jets: 51.91, .58
A nation will be strong when it has a fair and just king.
A nation will be weak when it has a king who is selfish and demands gifts.
– Proverbs, 29:4
23. Miami Dolphins: 51.69, -1.52
When Tua threw three of his picks
With his yards stuck on 196
The Texans scored twenty
Turned out to be plenty
Though the Dolphins totes shutdown Joe Mixon.
24. Chicago Bears: 50.52, -1.09
If the purple think he slays,
Or the navy and orange think they are slain,
They know not well the subtle ways
I spin, and spin, and jump again.
No rusher to me is near;
Green and Greenard are the same;
The vanished Smith to me appear;
And all to me are shame and fame.
They wreck and maul to all about;
When me they fly, I make all pay
I am the doubter and the doubt,
I am the cliff, the sea, the spray.
The strong gods fear for my abode,
And fear imposed on Halas halls;
I traverse a winding road!
Be though humble in these walls.
25. Dallas Cowboys: 47.11, 2.92
Coach Mike was a Dallas king.
Of him the PFF gods sing,
the last whose offense ran the tree,
between the couch and world of Jerry.
His voice was loud, his QB keen.
His shining menu afar was seen;
the countless corners and their jam
are where he sacrificed the lamb.
But soon again he’ll ride away
and where he’ll land no one can say;
for into darkness fell his O
in Dallas where the shadows go.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars: 45.58, .16
Mr. Jones and me
Looking at the future,
I stare at Brian Thomas Jr.,
He’s open for you,
Man, I wish he would get open for me,
I wanna be Josh Allen,
Mr. Jones wishes he was something slightly more achievable
27. New York Giants: 42.50, -1.79
Tabloid footprints in your hair
Tabloid footprints everywhere
We can’t be silent
‘Cause they might be giants
And what are we going to do unless they are?
28. Las Vegas Raiders: 40.59, 0.00
Sincere McCormick and Divine Deablo went out on a midwinter’s day
The cousins got old and the gardner he told her to rid her of Aidan and Tre
29. Tennessee Titans: 39.75, -1.39
The second lowest
PFF grade, good defense
Regression next year.
30. Cleveland Browns: 39.62, -.44
DBs by the millions pick off Jameis Winston, when he comes round,
They say I’m in love, what’s that throw? I’m in love, with that throw.
31. New England Patriots: 38.36, .07
so much depends
upon
a first round
quarterback
Rocket arm
mobile
avoiding
injury
32. Carolina Panthers: 34.89, -2.24
21.4% of the time
It works every time.