What if the Packers only drafted guys with super cool names?
As some of you may have heard, the 2025 NFL Draft is fast approaching, and for the first time ever, it’s in Green Bay! We’re in the thick of mock draft season, and I’m feeling a little left out. I don’t follow college football too much beyond what I see on my various social media timelines, so I know pretty much nothing about this year’s draft class! I would, however, like to get in on the mock draft action, so I had a thought. What if the Green Bay Packers only drafted positions of need based on how cool the players’ names are?
I found a list of 600 draft prospects (I needed as many candidates as possible), and I built a Packers draft in a free draft simulator built by Reddit user Confident-Garlic-311 so that I could get grades on each of my selections. I present to you: THE COOL NAME DRAFT.
Round 1, 23rd overall pick: DL Tonka Hemingway, South Carolina
Are you kidding me? Any NFL player named Tonka is immediately cool, but a defensive lineman really pushes this one over the edge. If all pretend-GMs were drafting like me, I’d probably have to trade up for the number 1 overall pick to get this guy. SOLD.
Draft Simulator Grade: F
Round 2, 54th overall pick: WR Moose Muhammad III, Texas A&M
This name should sound familiar; yes, he is the son of Muhsin “Moose” Muhammad II, who played against the Packers 13 times over the course of his career. I do remember him going by Moose, however, I’m just now realizing how SICK THAT IS. If it were up to me, the crowd would make moose noises every time Muhammad III finds the endzone for Green Bay. I’ll settle for a low, bellowing “MOOOOOOSSSEEEEE” from anyone who doesn’t know how to replicate the sound of this sweet, seductive creature.
Draft Simulator Grade: F
Round 3, 87th overall pick: CB Ice Waxter, Villanova
A defensive back named Ice (real name Isas). Imagine a game-sealing pick from a guy named Ice! Imagine the sponsorships for a guy whose name kind of looks like “ice water”! Imagine how quickly you’d get annoyed if the loudspeaker at Lambeau Field played “Ice Ice Baby” after every great pass breakup! The possibilities are endless.
Draft Simulator Grade: F
Round 4, 124th overall pick: OL Sal Wormley
Sal Wormley sounds like the name J.K. Rowling would give to a slightly-corrupt yet sweetheart of a seasoned police detective. Instead of a badge, he holds your facemask and screams “STOP” until the play is blown dead. Immediately sold.
Draft Simulator Grade: F
Round 5, 159th overall pick: QB DJ Uiagalelei, Florida State
Samoan names are both beautiful and amazing, and DJ Uiagalelei’s name is no exception. Pronounced “oo-ee-AHN-guh-luh-lay”, I fear I must jump at the opportunity to draft a player whose last name begins with OOOOHWEEEEE. Finally, I can yell his name in the most obnoxious manner during preseason when he has a 3-TD performance that has all the haters calling for Jordan Love to be benched.
Draft Simulator Grade: F
Round 6, 198th overall pick: EDGE Chaz Chambliss, Georgia
There’s something very beautiful about this name. Is it the alliteration? The word “bliss” sitting so perfectly at the end? The fact that he shares a first name with Cher’s son? I don’t know, but I need him sacking quarterbacks.
Draft Simulator Grade: F
Round 7, 237th overall pick: OL Easton Kilty, Kansas State
I won’t lie to you. I’m two Benadryls deep as I fight seasonal allergies. In my quest to finish this mock draft before the sleep hits me like a Tonka (Hemingway) Truck, I thought this man’s last name was Kitty.
Draft Simulator Grade: F
Round 7, 250th overall pick: CB Greedy Vance Jr, USC
It will be an out-of-body experience the first time Greedy Vance Jr gets a pick, and during the slow-mo replay Tony Romo says “Greedy must be feeling a little GREEDY, JIM”.
Draft Simulator Grade: F
Undrafted Free Agents (players who weren’t available in the simulator)
- EDGE Shitta Sillah, Purdue
- K Dragan Kesich, Minnesota
- OL Parker Titsworth, Ohio University
- WR Phat Watts, Tulane
So, what did we learn here, folks? That the team would be really bad if they did this? No. It’s that we need a Moose in Green Bay.