We continue forward with our illustrious March Madness run that never was.
We’re all still stinging from the Wisconsin Badgers brutal Round of 32 road loss at altitude to the BYU Cougars, so I figured it’s the perfect time to wax nostalgic about the 2020 Wisconsin national championship march that never was (thanks a ton, COVID!).
I’m going back to recreate that magical two weeks in a moment-by-moment, game-by-game way, that will hopefully put a smile on your face.
Last week, we started with the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament. With the Badgers’ Sweet 16 run already in the books, we now turn to the Elite Eight (and beyond) for Gard’s lads, where No. 2 seed Kentucky awaits in Los Angeles.
Wisconsin (3) vs Kentucky (2), Sweet 16
1st Half
Pre-Game: Reporting live from the Staples Center (a really strong arena name that I’m confident will never change to some dumb fad company), a jewel-encrusted goblet of Fernando de Castilla Palo Cortado sherry in my paws, UK/UW 3.0 is about to tip, which is more than I can say for John Calipari at a restaurant, unless there with a 4-star recruit he’s stealing from Wisconsin.
17:28: 7 quick points from Keion Brooks, Jr, has UK up 10-2, but, real talk, Keion Brooks, *Sr.* probably could have scored them with the Fran McCaffery-style defense Wisconsin has played. It was so soft, in fact, I just buzzed down to assistant coach Greg Gard for a timeout. Be right back.
15:11: Just got off the phone with the NCAA, who want Micah Potter to take a random drug test at HT. I said all that he’d test positive for having heart and huge balls, then reminded them how he sat out a half season for building houses for the poor, while Kentucky was granted in-game transfers. Man, surely the NCAA transfer system will never get more screwed up than it is now. Kentucky is up 14-8.
12:55: HUZZAH! Back-to-back 3-pointers from Aleem Ford might just make me forget that Nate Reuvers had 2 fouls before the 1st TV break—one for sweating near Tyrese Maxey. By the way, keep open flames away from Calipari’s hair. So we’d better keep Aleem Ford away, I guess. Kentucky 19-17.
6:28: A vintage 49-second Kentucky scoring drought has allowed Wisconsin to push its lead out to seven, 34-27. 8 points each from Aleem Ford and Brad Davison get the Badgers out to the lead. Lost in the madness is Brevin Pritzl making the Badgers’ only two FT attempts of the half. In other words, exactly as we expected from these refs.
3:16: D’Mitrik Trice just drew a charge (!), then nailed a contested 24-foot trey for a 39-34 UW edge. The crowd is 1/3 Wisconsin, 1/3 UK, and 1/3 I hate Kentucky, and Calipari has to take a timeout to calm his team and/or finish a wire transfer to a recruit’s AAU coach.
1:01: I didn’t know why Wisconsin fans were chanting 38-1, but then I saw Frank Kaminsky, in full 2015 uniform and throwback Rambis-specs, leading them. Unrelated, Charles Barkley is in the house, and all meat products on the club level are running low. Bucky up 41-37.
HALFTIME: Kentucky pushed the pace, but Wisconsin has the lead, 42-40, in what would have been the final score if this had been Virginia. Badgers are led by Ford’s 13 and Davison’s 12. Kentucky is led by a millionaire Buca di Beppo manager for a coach with hair I’d literally kill for.
2nd Half
16:59: Before I update, I just want to congratulate Richard Pitino on being extended by Minnesota! If things fall right in 20-’21, his Gophers may just sneak into the NIT. In game action, UK/UW’s shooting has been more jacked up than Zavier Simpson’s driving, and it’s 45-44 UW.
12:55: Wisconsin has a 3-minute scoring drought, and the arena has a Fire Gard cam on the jumbotron where, instead of kissing, fans humiliate themselves by arguing one of the finest coaches in the land should be replaced by anyone from Steve Kerr to the coach of Sun Prairie. 53-48 UK.
7:59: Wall Street may be shaky, but *Wahl* Street is a Bull Market. Behind a quick 5 from the plucky frosh, UW is within four at 59-55. Speaking of shaky investments, Kentucky’s Tyrese Maxey is still without a field goal. We’ll see if he has to take a salary cut in the off-season should he stay in Lexington.
4:38: Davison returned from sitting with a fourth foul for breathing in the general vicinity of Nick Richards and hit back-to-back 3s to push UW ahead 68-66. The Wisconsin crowd is elated, while Kentucky’s is drinking smuggled-in moonshine and tweeting about how COVID is fake.
1:06: With an Elite 8 slot on the line, Wisconsin and Kentucky are tied at 75. Reuvers just fouled out, giving Wisconsin its 15th foul of the half to Kentucky’s 4. Richards is heading to the line, and I’m decanting my 3rd bottle of Sherry. Amateurs need not apply to be Wisconsin Basketball fans.
FINAL (Wisconsin 78, Kentucky 75): It what may be remembered as the game that drove a stake through the heart of Fire Gard, chronic hustler/effort guy/gym rat Brad Davison hits a step back 3 from the corner at the buzzer for the 78-75 Badgers win. All bow down to Greg Gard, for his reign is just getting started.
Wisconsin (3) vs Gonzaga (1), Elite Eight
1st Half
17:22: Let me start off by saying how much I respect the smooth transition Mark Few has made from 80s porn star to big time college coach. In game action, Wisconsin and Gonzaga are a combined 0-9 from the floor, and the Badgers lead a scoreless game 0-0.
13:58: Filip Petrusev. That’s the whole update. GU 16-4.
9:51: No sooner had I decanted my 2nd carafe of $550 sherry than Brad Davison, Aleem Ford, and Nate Reuvers turned a 10-point deficit into a one-point game. Happy: You. Sad: The beefy dunce yelling “Fire Gard” from the nosebleeds.
5:51: Admon Gilder is, without question, the best 30-year-old college basketball player alive, and he has 13 for the Zags, who lead Wisconsin 33-29. D’Mitrik Trice’s back-to-back 3s have kept Bucky close, but GU’s rotation is 16 deep.
1:37: Back-to-back fouls on Reuvers and Potter for (1) respirating and (2) blinking eyes near fragile Zags players have Wisconsin running a four-guard lineup late in the half. Bo Borowski isn’t reffing this game, but it sure feels like it. Gonzaga 41-33.
HALFTIME: Some say the Badgers are punching above their weight class tonight against Gonzaga, but I think it’s more that Mark Few has sold his human soul to the dark wizard of lies to get calls. Satan, not Sean Miller. Trice has 11 and UW is down 46-34.
2nd Half
18:04: It’s bad to take a timeout before the first media break. It’s worse if it happens at 1:56 in. A quick 6-0 burst by the Zags has stretched their lead to 52-34. Just saw Sam Dekker and Nigel Hayes in the stands. I’m working on eligibility for them.
15:01: I can’t feel my tongue anymore. 3 three pointers in a row by Trice cap off a 9-2 Bucky run. The Fire Gard activists protesting outside Staples have gone quiet. 54-43 Zags, but Wisconsin is riding with uncle Mo now. Buckle up, Badgers.
11:11: This totally competent and unbiased ACC officiating crew just saddled Reuvers with foul No. 2 for delicately breaking wind in the general vicinity of Ryan Woolridge. Bright side? No T. Zags 61-50.
8:35: Oh no. Zags up 68-55. Keeping it light, a $5 gift card to Bucky’s Locker Room to the first fan who can tell me what the final score SHOULD have been in the 2015 NCAA title game vs Duke. (Offer doesn’t apply to Ogg Hall.)
4:59: HUZZAH! Just as you gave up and decided to turn back to whining about Jack Coan, Bucky comes thundering back with an 11-0 run. Greg Gard just passed Bo on the all-time UW hoops Big Balls List for keeping Reuvers in with four fouls. 70-68 Zags.
1:36: Although I’m still sour about being an underdog to a team from a garbage conference, I’m not at all mad about the fact that WISCONSIN IS UP ON THAT TEAM 75-74 WITH A FINAL 4 SLOT ON THE LINE.
0:02: There are two kinds of teams: Those who can make free throws down the stretch in tough games and last year’s Wisconsin Badgers. Brad Davison steps to the line for a pair with 2 seconds left, down 78-77. If I had normal human emotions, I’d be nervous now.
FINAL (Wisconsin 79, Gonzaga 78): Feel the beat of your heart. Feel the wind in your face. It’s more than a contest. It’s more than a… Matt Lepay voice: I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY. WISCONSIN IS GOING TO THE FINAL FOUR!!!
Coming Soon: Final Four coverage, where Wisconsin faces South Regional champ Michigan State in the National Semifinal in Atlanta.