The Ultra Kwik 95 wasn’t enough.
To me, one of the joys of the 2023–24 Milwaukee Bucks campaign was the sheer absurdity of the Ultra Kwik 95. If you’re not familiar, let’s hear it from the cow’s mouth:
“If the Bucks reach 95 points by the end of the third quarter during any regular-season game of the 2023–24 season, you’ll receive a 30 cent per gallon fuel reward when you purchase any 12-, 18-, or 30-packs of Michelob Ultra, the official beer of the Milwaukee Bucks.”
There’s so much to unpack here. It requires the Bucks to reach 95 points—not 100. It is evaluated at the end of the third quarter—not the game. It triggers a 30-cent per gallon fuel reward—not 25 or 50. That trigger is only contingent on a separate purchase—beer. That contingent purchase gives you leeway to choose among three different packs of beer—but not a 24-pack. The utter convolution of this promotion fills me with joy.
Luckily, the good people of our Milwaukee Bucks didn’t stop there. I’m happy to announce a stacked new slate of convoluted promotions for the 2024–25 season (editor’s note: these are jokes and not official promos from the team… yet):
- If the Bucks score 50 points in the paint during any regular-season game of the 2024–25 season, you’ll receive a $5 discount per gallon of paint at Sherwin-Williams in the color that matches its relative location on the Bucks’ alternative logo.
- If the Bucks win a regular-season game during the 2024–25 season, you’ll receive a 13% discount on your 2025 hunting license if you shoot a buck with exactly the same number of points as the Bucks’ margin of victory.
- If Giannis Antetokounmpo posterizes an opponent during any regular-season game of the 2024–25 season, you’ll receive free admission to the Milwaukee Art Museum when you purchase admission to at least one of their special exhibitions.
- If a Buck splashes home a three-pointer from deep (30+ feet) during any regular-season game of the 2024–25 season, you’ll receive two free tickets on a Lake Michigan shipwreck exploration when you purchase two tickets for a Lake Michigan fishing charter.
- If the Bucks make seven and-ones during any regular-season game of the 2024–25 season, you’ll receive a BOGO on cheese curds in the Wisconsin Cafe at the Farm Wisconsin Discovery Center when you visit the fowl at the center.
- If the Bucks force their opponent to shoot below 30% from three during any regular-season game of the 2024–25 season, you’ll receive a free Cream City t-shirt in any size when you attend a free walking tour of architecture built with cream brick.
- If a Buck tallies a double-double during any regular-season game of the 2024–25 season, you’ll receive free extras on two scoops of Kopp’s Vanilla, Swiss Chocolate, or Flavor of the Day custard when you purchase a double hamburger or a double cheeseburger.
- If the Bucks force their opponent to commit six turnovers by the 7:30 mark of the second quarter during any regular-season game of the 2024–25 season, you’ll receive a free turnover per cruller when you purchase bakery.
- If the Bucks score even a single driving lay-up during any regular-season game of the 2024–25 season, you’ll receive a free tank of gas at Kwik Trip when you purchase a Harley.